Posts tagged standup

I like to think of myself as a love seat philosopher. I like to mingle two related but non-compatible ideas, give birth to a retarded idea that everyone can’t help but inwardly laugh at but eventually forgets about.

I got alittle drunk and belligerent at the salad bar last night and instead of calling for a cabbage ride home I ended up getting my salad tossed out by a secarroty guard. The place had a stupid dressing code anyway.

Top 10 reasons black people are awesome

10. They’re never depressed. 

Think of all the depressed people you know - yourself, your family, your friends - any of them black? Nope. 

Why? Because Black people are awesome. As a race there is nothing they haven’t overcome. Which takes us to #9…

9. They were the first humans. Some of you are like “nuh uh, what about Adam and Eve?!”. Hold on, let me take a moment to face palm.

Anyway,

The first Black Humans went toe to toe with some of the fiercest creatures in the African plains and jungles. They won a specie war with the Neanderthals. Without their ability to survive the harshest terrains and out wit other humanoids for hundreds of thousands of years, White people would have never evolved from black people. 

8. Like wine, they get better with age. Have you ever met an old black person who wasn’t awesome? They don’t complain, they have awesome life stories and they smoke pot. 

7. They make sports worth watching. Any sport neglected by black people isn’t worth watching. Not even hockey.

The only reason they allow fighting in hockey is because there are no black people. If there was, white players would be injured all the time. Besides, hockey is a racist sport. There’s a reason the games are won by trying to net a black object by hitting it as hard as they can.

6. Comedy. I once called this black guy the n word. And he was about to kill me but then I was like just kidding and we shared a good laugh together. Black people get humor. 

5. Mulattos. Black people and White people were made to fuck eachother. Have you ever seen a Milatto you didn’t want to fuck? They are smart, sporty, cool and good looking. And you can hire Mulattos to diversify your company without actually having to hire an authentic black person.

4. Business skills. I have a $1000 laptop, I got it for 50 bucks from my black friend. Clearly only a business genius would find a way to acquire a $1000 laptop and sell it at the bargain price of $50. 

3. If it wasn’t for black people we’d still be listening to classical music and ballroom dancing. 

2. They made sure the war on drugs was lost. Despite rich racist fucks who sought to control what we do with our bodies, black people stood strong - they rioted, they did what they wanted, they fought the law. 

1. What’s your reason black people are awesome?

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